The TOP 13 Halloween Candies – RANKED

A not-at-all subjective list of treats!

Halloween’s Saturday! And guess what! Here’s your infallible list of THE TOP 13 HALLOWEEN CANDIES – RANKED, even if you can’t go trick-or-treating this year. (Stay home, eat lots of candy and watch scary movies instead!)

What does this have to do with comic books? Nothing, except you can eat these while dressed as your favorite superhero.

Let’s get right to it:

13. Apples. Just kidding.

12. Smarties. So much better than Sweet-Tarts. Addictive too. There’s no way you can eat just one little roll.

11. Tootsie Pops. Lotta bang for the buck here. Still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center, though:

10. Dots. Dots rock, man. But beware the stale ones.

9. Milk Duds. If you can keep your fillings intact, Milk Duds will give you a sugar high that will last you through Thanksgiving.

8. Peanut M&M’s. The best M&M’s variety. I will brook no dissent here.

7. Snickers. A Halloween staple.

6. Tootsie Roll. Sometimes chocolatey is better than chocolate, y’know what I’m saying? Midgees are fine and dandy, by the way, but I really prefer the bigger ones.

5. Milky Way. Snickers without peanuts. And in this case, that’s generally how I prefer it.

4. Mellowcreme Pumpkins. Pop quiz: What exactly is mellowcreme? Forget it, I don’t want to know.

3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. This is my wife’s favorite, far and away. So this is for her.

2. Candy Corn. C’mon, it’s the quintessential Halloween candy. Doesn’t mean it’s #1, however.

1. 3 Musketeers. Easily. Without question. When you get a 3 Musketeers in your plastic pumpkin candy carrier, you have hit the jackpot, Tiger. And forget “Fun Size.” “Fun Size” is not fun at all. It’s just a dirty tease. No, if you find that magic house that gives out full-size 3 Musketeers bars, you have found Halloween nirvana.

MORE

— 13 Groovy BEN COOPER Designs That Would Make Great T-Shirts. Click here.

— The Goofy Giddiness of Disney’s CHILLING, THRILLING HAUNTED HOUSE Record. Click here.

NOTE: A version of this piece first ran in 2019 in slightly different form. But the countdown remains the same! — Dan

Author: Dan Greenfield

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13 Comments

      • While I like their list having Reese’s at #1, I must say that any top 10 Halloween candies list with Nerds, Sour Patch Kids, and Skittles is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

        And circus peanuts as their #2 worst? C’mon, what’s wrong with those people? Must have gotten Spangler’s. Melster’s Circus Peanuts (from Wal-Mart, etc.) could never make such a list.

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  1. Dan, you are a genius! 3 MUSKETEERS is, without a doubt, (I almost said bar none) the greatest chocolate candy bar in history! And “fun size” or “mini” is a croc and a bummer.

    When my kids were little if they asked me to get them a 3 MUSKETEERS bar I would always say “You can have one if you can name one of the Musketeers.” They learned very quickly not to say D’artagnan, too!

    Candy Corn is also my second favorite. I used to keep a candy dish filled with this delicacy year round. Alas, Type-2 diabetes has long ago put an end to such fun. But I still allow myself an occasional 3 MUSKETEERS bar! In fact…I think I’ll get one now.

    All for FUN and FUN for all!

    “Groovy” Mike Decker

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    • Payday bar…all the way. Too bad they don’t make 5th Avenue bars in a snack size.

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    • Vat, no one’s going to mention that candy corn also doubles as fangs for an impromptu vampire?

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  2. Funny you should mention Smarties–I am sitting here eating some right now–I keep a supply around from the local Stop & Shop, where they’re a regular item!

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  3. Lewis Black has a hilarious bit about his childhood introduction to candy corn. But regarding smarties vs sweettarts, as a kid I always preferred sweettarts, even the large single chewy ones. Makes my teeth hurt to think about it now though (I’m 56 lol).

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  4. Gotta say, nothing beats Halloween in the Rio Grande Valley of South Texas – you get all of the candies mentioned in the article PLUS Mexican candies

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  5. I have never been more furious at a silly list like this. 3 Musketeers is the devil.

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