The 13 Most Memorable Lines from WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER

Wait, what, at a comics site? We’ll explain.

See, now, I agree this is kind of an offbeat one for 13th Dimension since our forte, such as it is, is comics and related pop culture. How does a comedy cult classic like Wet Hot American Summer fit in?

Well, it’s because there’s a Kickstarter going to fund a role-playing game based on the flick that’s gotten the blessing of co-writer and director David Wain. And that’s just dorky enough to earn a place right here.

So here are Wet Hot American Summer: Fantasy Camp game creators Geoffrey Golden and Lee Keeler with their picks for the movie’s 13 Most Memorable Lines (NSFW, BTW).

And if you want to check out the Kickstarter, click here. Maybe you’ll be able to contribute enough to get your own bottle of dick cream.


Whenever it starts to get nice outside – the sun shining, the birds tweeting, the local children playing outside, then sneaking off to steal beer from a liquor store – we prefer to stay indoors, where we play D&D and rewatch our favorite film Wet Hot American Summer.

 This year, we combined our two favorite things into a brand new tabletop RPG called Wet Hot American Summer: Fantasy Camp, which you can back now on Kickstarter. As we were re-re-re-re-watching the film, these were the lines we quoted along with the screen. If you’re a Wet Hot fan (a Wet Hottie?), we imagine these are among your favorites, too…

“I want you inside me. Oh, hey, what’s up? From before.” – Coop

This joke broke our brains when we first heard it back in 2001. It’s a quiet gag that crystallizes both Coop’s vulnerability and the film’s smart absurdity – and does so right at the beginning of the movie.

“I am not kidding! I am no Ruth Buzzi standing here!” – Beth

We’re guessing the reason this joke is so funny, whether you know who Ruth Buzzi is or not, is that the name Ruth Buzzi sounds like a dumb comedy name, like Mort Crinkle or Sally Fartstein.

I am no Ruth Buzzi standing here!

“You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.” – Andy

Andy dumps a very hot girl for tasting like barbecue sauce when they made out one time. He is truly a next level asshole, and is almost certainly too cool to play our roleplaying game.

You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

“I need you to know, I have been busting my balls, woman!” – Susie

You might not think of “talent show” as the most high stakes way to end a film, but Amy Poehler gets so angry, and goes so over the top, the talent show becomes very high stakes.

“Oh, fuck my cock.” – Dr. Henry Newman

At this point in the film, we’ve already heard some ridiculous swearing, but something about Niles Crane saying this in front of a bunch of children is just perfect.

- Oh, fuck my cock! - What does it say?

“No dungeon master worth his weight in geldings goes anywhere without his 20 sided die.” – Keith

We love Keith so much, we wrote half of Fantasy Camp as him and the Indoor Kids! In our manual, you get a taste of some of the terrible things that happened to them over the summer, like Keith’s glasses getting thrown into a beehive. Oh, Keith.

“Sucks dick we never really got to know each other, y’know?” – Abby

 This is a gem because it captures the essence of Wet Hot: boner jokes crashing into forced ’80s romantic schmultz.

Sucks dick we never got to know each other.

“There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague – the bubonic plague!” – Alan Shemper

We all had some kind of Alan Shemper regional quack entertainer growing up. Alan Shemper’s lame attempts at camp humor simply come off as… camp humor. Whaaaaa-!? Did David Wain just open up a vortex here?

“In the morning, when I rise…OH FUCK!” –Victor

This is one of the best moments in the history of comedy. Victor’s short-lived journey from crooning along a country road to slamming a van into a tree represents the immediacy and complete idiocy with which we want our players to approach Fantasy Camp.

“Yes folks, it’s true. I said I’m gonna go hump the fridge. What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass.” – Gene

You could pretty much just do a list of Gene’s best lines alone! One of the secrets of Wet Hot is that these character arcs sneak up on you. Gene is given resolution for what could otherwise be assumed as haphazard, random moments throughout the film. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to go fondle our sweaters.

“Oh my god, oh my god. You are a loser! You are a loser!” – Neil

Such a beautiful moment from Joe Lo Truglio! We don’t know much about Neil by this point in the film, he just kinda looks and acts like a dork. But his disdain for Victor’s chastity is vital to the logic of the Wet Hot world: If you’re not getting laid, you’re a wiener. Neil is wise that way.

You're a loser. You are a loser!

“So that’s where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.” – Katie

This sentiment is never expressed by the female lead in any ’80s movie, but should have been said by every female lead in every ’80s movie. Sometimes babes just wanna date buff dudes and that’s life. Katie gets the last laugh!

“I can suck my own dick, and I do it. A lot.” – Can of Vegetables

This is the other bookend to a guy saying “I want you inside me.” The rules of Wet Hot sexuality mean that anything goes, so we’re hoping that if you play Fantasy Camp you’ll enjoy some zen, intimate conversation with the nearest inanimate food product in your pantry!

Check out the Wet Hot American Summer: Fantasy Camp Kickstarter here.

Author: Dan Greenfield

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1 Comment

  1. A really, really bad decision to put this out as a Dimension 13 item. Not funny, and not appropriate. Can’t imagine what you were thinking.

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