Posted By Dan Greenfield on Dec 16, 2023 | 16 comments

TOYHEM! A holiday bazaar of the bizarre…

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Welcome to TOYHEM! For the fifth straight holiday season, we’re bringing you a series of features and columns celebrating the toys of our youth, which often made for the best memories this time of year. Click here to check out the complete index of stories — and have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays! — Dan

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By JIM BEARD

In comic books, for every Superman, there’s a Ma Hunkel. In music, for every Beatles there’s a Rubinoos. In movies, for every Star Wars there’s a Buckaroo Banzai.

In action figures, for every G.I. Joe, there’s a Dr. Kromedome.

I like the Big Names as much as the next genre fan, sure, but when it comes right down to it, it’s the wannabes, also-rans, and never-rans that excite me the most. It’s the thrill of discovering some oddball corner of whatever universe I’m currently traveling in that makes the journey worthwhile. I guess I got that from my dad, who back in his day loved diving into the side box of discs at the record store to dig up an artist none of his friends knew about yet—like the day he stumbled upon this new guy called “Elvis Presley” when no one else knew those hips from anyone else’s on the stage…

That’s a long-winded way to say I like the weird and wonderful in many things, and most especially action figures. I’ve had my share of the Big Names, but every once in a while, I gave a sideways glance to those plastic people who tried hard but were always overshadowed on the toy shelves.

What’s that you say? You want some examples of what I’m talkin’ ‘bout? How about 13 of them? Read on! Your next eBay purchase is only a minute away!

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Dr. Kromedome (Mego, 1975). Since I name-dropped the good doctor, let’s start with him. This is real. I saw it in a store back then. I begged for it. I never got it. He was billed as “bionic.” What makes him “bionic”? The fact that the Six Million Dollar Man was hot at the time, and someone wanted to capitalize on it. It’s that simple. Kromedome, though, is complicated.

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J.J. Armes (Ideal, 1976). This action figure was based on a real person, Jay J. Armes, who himself was a P.I. and actor with prosthetic hands. I never saw this in stores, only in Christmas catalogs. Supposedly there were other accessories for the figure. I guess it kind of sunk like a rock, but given the guy’s story, you might’ve wanted it to succeed.

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Pulsar (Mattel, 1976). I actually owned this one. I never asked for it, but it was the Christmas when my mother, recently divorced from my father, had to pick out gifts for me for the first time ever. I got a lot of oddball stuff that year, but I’m not complaining. Pulsar was another Steve Austin-wannabe, and there was little else as weird as him. Except maybe Kromedome.

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The Intruders (Hasbro, 1976). You know a popular action figure line is coming to an ignoble end when it introduces “Strong Men from Another World” that were the first real enemy figures in the line but look like cavemen in funky armored ballet togs. I had one, and my GI Joe could kick his Neanderthal butt easily.

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Star Trek: The Neptunian (Mego, 1975). Standing on his own, this isn’t a bad figure at all, with its cool sculpted hands and feet and weird head, but when you include it in a new line of aliens for Mego’s popular Star Trek line, you have to sort of wonder what they were smoking at the company, especially since the Neptunian never appeared on the show.

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GI Nurse Action Girl (Hasbro, 1967). She’s the best-kept and most embarrassing secret of the famous GI Joe line—a girl figure. Someone at the company thought it would be a great idea: Maybe little Johnny has a sister who would like to play along with him and his Joes! Nope. This one appeared and disappeared quietly and quickly, a weird side trip for Hasbro that today is worth its weight in gold if you can find one.

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The Outer Space Men: Astro-Nautilus (Colorforms, 1968). Designed to capitalize and accessorize Mattel’s popular Major Matt Mason line of bendy astronauts, Colorforms (that’s right, Colorforms) made the leap to three dimensions with this line of aliens. I had to pick one from the original seven for this list of 13, and it was difficult. I ended up with Astro-Nautilus because I love his name and figured a lot of you would mistake him for Cthulhu.

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Electroman (Ideal, 1977). One year. This one lasted one year. Did any kid anywhere actually ask for him? Did any kid anywhere actually know about him? No, they were all about Star Wars then, and everything else fell by the wayside. Just take a look at the next figure on our list.

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Star Team: Knight of Darkness (Ideal, 1977). You gotta give Ideal some props—back in the late 1970s, long after the company’s heyday, it was trying, at least. Star Wars was nuclear, and they rummaged around in their old molds and came up with a kooky collection of knockoffs to ride the galactic wave. And don’t tell anybody, but this guy is actually a Captain Action figure from the 1960s molded in black. In fact, CA collectors sometimes cobble parts off the Knight to repair their captains.

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Jane Apollo (Marx, 1968). Space toys were once one of the biggest things ever, and the Louis Marx people had a guy named Johnny Apollo to carry that torch in the late 1960s. Better still, he had a girlfriend (wife?) named, what else, Jane, who worked right alongside him, long before the first female American astronaut. Johnny’s not easy to find these days, but just try to find ol’ Jane here, the “Movable Spacewoman.”

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The Human Torch (Mego, 1976). None of the Fantastic Four made for perfect action figures, but when Mego was presented with the challenge of making Johnny Storm into one, they landed upon a weird solution — which isn’t entirely surprising considering he’s a flaming human, y’know, torch. Ben wore a leotard, Reed couldn’t stretch, and Sue couldn’t turn invisible, but those problems kind of pale next to Johnny’s issues.

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Oscar Goldman (Kenner, 1977). I can hear some of you out there already howling: “Why is poor Oscar on this list? He’s not weird!” Well, isn’t he? As an action figure? As a mostly deskbound character in a TV series? But he has his own detailed action figure? C’mon, you all know Kenner was stretching it here, what with having very little other options for their Six Million Dollar Man line. I mean, he’s weird just for that suit coat, man.

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M*A*S*H 4077th: Klinger (Tri-Star, 1982). He was available in both olive drab and drag pink. I’m just going to leave this right here and back away…

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MORE

— The Complete TOYHEM INDEX of Stories and Features. Click here.

— Blast Off With These 13 Majorly Cool MAJOR MATT MASON Items. Click here.

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When JIM BEARD’s not editing and publishing through his two houses, Flinch Books and Becky Books, he’s pounding out adventure fiction with both original and licensed characters. In fact, he’s put words in the mouths of Luke Skywalker, Superman, Fox Mulder, Carl Kolchak, Peter Venkman and the Green Hornet… and lived to tell about it.

He’s also published novels about a character very much like GI Joe: DC Jones – Adventure Command International.